Thursday, September 3, 2009

Teacher of the Year

Me. This week:

“I need each of you to pretend there is a bird sitting on my head. Please stare at the cute little bird and do not quit staring until I finish giving instructions…keep staring…thank you. If you are not going to pay attention, I will at least teach you how to pretend you are paying attention. It is a life skill, you will need it. Please keep staring….good job.”

“If I threw a giant handful of toothpicks in the air, would they organize themselves in mid-air and fall into a perfect log cabin on the floor? Of course not. Scientists have a very big word for that, but I’m not sure what it is.”

“If you’re not Jewish you’re Gentile. All of us in this room are Gentiles….well, yes, you could become Jewish, but you wouldn’t be like real Jewish. Like, if I moved to Mexico, I would officially be someone living in Mexico, which would make me Mexican, but I’m not like real Mexican.”

“It’s like that little red riding hood story. Remember her? She was headed to Grandma’s house with cookies and she went walking through the woods, and the wolf asked her about the cookies then ended up going to the house and…wait, did he eat the grandma? I can’t remember what exactly happened, but little red riding hood shows up and the wolf is dressed like the grandma and…wait, does he eat little red riding hood? I can’t remember… Isn’t there something about a woodsman and an axe? Ok, nevermind, this story is creepy.”

“If God told Adam and Eve not to jump up and down and squish watermelons with their feet, and they decided to jump up and down and squish watermelons with their feet anyway, that would be sin. Eating apples was not the problem, the problem was disobeying God. Apples are good, we serve them here at school.”

Ok, I’m going to teach you a new game. Everyone stand in a giant circle. Now, you have to take turns pointing across the circle and saying the name of the person you point to. If you show your teeth at any time, you are out. You are not allowed to cover your mouth with your hand. Ready, I’ll start…" (yes, made it up on the spot, but we ended up laughing so hard that our faces hurt.)